An excerpt from my story

…..Bella   looked around in amazement,the dimension  was phenomenal! She  ducked as something glided over her head, when she looked up she saw an villainous, techno giant  like figure scurrying over to what looked like a secret room.  Cautiously , the techno giant  typed  in a code and the lasers that were guiding the room vanished,letting him collect his gold. Unexpectedly, a hologram appeared  of the alien which said-one swirl of the magical pen freezes time .Bella couldn’t  resist.She immediately swirled   the magical pen in the air BOOM!Everything was still,apart from Bella  ,who went to discover the extraordinary dimension that she found herself in.

“Gold!” Bella shrieked and grabbed as much as she could carry.

Swirl.The pen accidentally turned.Instantly,the techno giant  turned toward Bella ,he saw that she was trying to steal some of his gold-he was furious.

“Quick Bella , this way,”ushered the hologram of the alien.Bella jumped straight into the vortex….

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One thought on “An excerpt from my story”

  1. Cautiously , the techno giant typed in a code and the lasers that were guiding the room vanished,letting him collect his gold.
    This is my favourite sentence from your story. I also really liked your use of sentence lengths to help create suspense.

    You have used quite a few adverbial openers. Do you know any other ways to open sentences that are still as effective?

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